A year in a blog post

Ask me what 2021 was for me, chances are that I would give you a couple of weird stories, hell it would sound like a toddler making up a story, and yes before you ask basically my year was like a toddler’s made up story. 

I am not going to bore you with detail, or I might just do that, cause a lot of things happened and excuse my French but this blog post is gonna be so raw that there will be a shit ton of vulgar language starting a few words ago.  

So 2021 huh, 2021 was the year I loved and left, the year I saw me break and built, the year I saw myself free and I saw Mercy (me of course) heal-ish. 

This year or last year if you are reading this in 2022 started off funny you know, it started with bad vibes that lasted for quite some time.

Like these bad vibes put me into a phase where I felt like I, lost interest in everything I enjoyed doing like talking to people, I did however develop love for multiple meltdowns almost everyday. 

I was in such a dark phase that it somewhat scared the ones around me that I might turn to suicide, but fortunately I was not that deep deep deep deep into it I guess. 

That same year I saw Mercy grow, and actually realizing that she gives more and gets less than she deserves which Zoe (my imaginary friend) would say is completely fucked up. 

I mean I always thought I was the most childish person and immature because of how I behave but I did not really take a closer look at the way I think, they way I respond to things or the way I deal with shit cause the time I found out that I am actually the most matured childish person I know I was shocked but I loved it. 

This year (2021) also reminded me that I am that grudgy vindictive bitch of all times, and I know it’s fucked up but I feel like those two toxic traits of mine are quite selective. 

I only get to be that bitch depending on just how dirty you have done me, I  cannot just to be a bitch because I can or I choose to be a bitch because of what you have done to me.

What you do to me must be deep so that I get to be that bitch to you or otherwise I will treat you like an ordinary annoying human you think you are. 

In the same year I saw me get really better at my job, never in my wildest dreams have I ever thought that  I could be doing really good in a short amount time but here we are, making or writing headlines left, right , centre. 

I have loved a few and definitely lost but not all of them cause I can’t be that bad of a person that will lose everyone in her life at once, oh come on. 

This year I met new people, that I am grateful I have met this year, they are amazing people that love my energy and I also love their energy cause we cool like that, take me back to 2015 Facebook captions. 

If this year has taught me something ne, is that feel whatever the fuck you want to feel they are your emotions and no Daren you cannot tell me how to feel. I remember people telling me to stop feeling depressed like what the fuck if I stop feeling depressed where on earth do I dump all this shit ton of emotions I am feeling. Or how the fuck will I turn off my depression like its a stupid light switch. 

Never tell people how to feel, instead be there for them and do not be there for them in a PR stunt where you are only there to be seen or be remembered as you were there but actually never gave a shit, be there for people emotionally just not physically or hell visually if that’s a thing. 

Let people that are going through a rough patch to feel like what they feel and remind them it is okay to feel that way but it can take a twisted turn if they do not channel their emotions well and we do not want that, now do we? 

I doubt , so that was how my year in a nutshell was plus I lost my focus cause I am mad at this nigga, he is not answering my calls and I miss his ass. But hey do comment down below what your 2021 was like in one word or line whichever one helps you describe they year the best way you can. 

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What is it like hearing about someone you cannot stand?

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Your pulse speed up like a jet, your hands starts trembling like a glass on an unstable table. 

This is when you notice that your peace has been disturbed and you are about to experience a lot of emotions in less than a minute.

If you think that is all your hands are doing, I am afraid it is not, this is where they enter another mode.

They now start getting watery and the muscles in them feel like they are just moving for the first time after a long time of paralysis.

So you do nothing but takes deep breaths, in as much as you try to hide the deep exhalations you cannot because they are made to be heard, you are supposed to hear your exhalations to actually feel like you are really breathing and alive even though at that moment you wish your breathing was false and your existence never occurred.

Just when you feel like you have gone through it all, you see your eyes getting blurry visions and you think to yourself you are about to faint, but no the blurry sight is caused by tears in your eyes that you had no idea you were producing.

Your mind starts speeding trying to reach your heart that had a head start in the race as soon as it got the alert of that one person you cannot stand.

So now that your mind is in pure, hell both literally and figuratively it starts thinking of all the terrible, hurtful things it could make you do and say to that person. 

Without getting a heads up, a gush of cold unpleasant wave of reality hits you.

It is in that moment you realise that it was the adrenaline that made you think of all those terrible thing because as humans we need a defence mechanism and that is where it comes in. 

These mechanism can do and envision so much that you even end up questioning yourself who you really are, amid the worst experience you had encountered for a few seconds.

You decide to take more deep breaths with your eyes shut seeing nothing but pure darkness and it is in that darkness that you find a sense of comfort.

These comfort is brought because you feel you guilty as you had anticipated terrible things you could do to another person through the adrenaline that was coursing through your nervous system.

Because you have already won the fight on convincing yourself you are a villain for that you are bound to be alone in complete darkness.

Then you snap out of it, and open your eyes to tell yourself that you have not done anything wrong and you deserve to be fine.

So you run away from your inner demons and decide to socialise with people around you remember you are going through all this while sitting among a group of people talking about random things.

While having that brave face in front of people having the conversation you want to have, your body and mind are in a battle field.

So whenever one of these two parties get hit by the other one, you either get a wave of sudden excitement or the opposite.

The problem comes when the heart has been hit because it brings a really big wave of sadness that tends to have a habit of settling in you fast.

You start noticing it as soon as it hits you as you begin witnessing yourself retracting from the conversation with people you are hanging with.

The signs are quite visible for anyone to notice something is not going well with you, first you don’t ask questions you say statements and then start giving one word answers then silence.

The only thing at this moment telling you are there are your eyes that are open but focused on one thing.

This wave of sadness was playing tricks on you to lure you in because the wave of sadness is not really it, it is a Trojan horse that is armed with confusing emotional weapons that can flip you into one terrible mode. 

The confusion mode, where you feel both things. 

You are in between two worlds, you are halfway into the sunshine world with nothing but pure optimism and yet you are halfway into this dark stormy cloud that is filled with nothing but anger, rage, hate, jealousy and sadness.

You question yourself how can one feel so much emotions at once, well that is because you have no idea it happened but it always comes like this when you get the alert.

To be PETIED on or not?

I am good

Hi, its me again. 

It’s a calm chilled peaceful Sunday, and I am doing an entry.

So, I nearly did something crazy, it is a crazy story on its own already. 

I saw these REELS on Instagram where people are posting videos when they were at their lowest. 

(Crazy story like I said) I nearly did it and then I realized that when I do post that video I will have the entire world feeling sorry for me, cause that video is not so old meaning I am still at my lowest.

And I am not about that life, as much as I love attention and shxt I really do not want that kind of attention at all even if I am a sack of emotions.

If you do not believe me I am literally downloading a Sad Playlist that will make me cry at 3 am. I mean I did search for a sad playlist but not the one that will make me cry. 

I am in a dilemma if that’s correct word, is it right for people to feel pity for you, you in this scenario is me, Mercy?

Cause I don’t think I am okay being with pitied on, I am a prideful bitch (lie I am the most humble bitch of all times)

My problem is that when I tell people I am at my lowest they will start feeling pity for me and I do not want that. 

(Great now my nose it twitching and my eyes are getting watery FUCK), 

I am broken but I cannot afford to have people pitying but then how would I expect them to understand me without feeling pity. 

Maybe I do not want them to understand but just to be there for me or to understand me so I don’t feel shitty about myself and counsel my ass that I am not the only one broken.

(If I am typing shxt that is because my vision got blurry from the watery eyes)

I was told its a good thing for people to feel sorry for you, but I see it somewhat like a mockery. 

Like chief I know you have not gone through this so how do I expect you to get me, that is why I find pity as mockery. 

My fucking Sad Playlist is still downloading, FUCK. I need that shxt to write you guys a good blog, cause when a bitch is in her feelings she becomes a published author by the the New York Fucking Times. 

Long question, short is it okay to get petied on or not?

Please do let me know, this is a ghost blog nobody reads it if you happen to be one of the ghost like I am do let me know in the comments. 

Mwaaaah, Bye!!!!!!

How do you forgive someone that hurt you

Here’s the deal, we all get hurt at some point in life. 

Either physically by hitting certain body parts against something that can endure pain or mentally when hurtful things are said or done, now that is a hard one, mentally is quite the kind of hurting. 

When you get hurt mentally this affects your emotional and physical hurting, but physical hurt is all that it is it is, just physical for most people like me. 

I have been hurt countless times physically (actually not so much, I am what they call Otjimumandu so I feared shxt that would get me injured).

Physical pain never really broke my heart (duh how can it, then you’ll be dead dumb bitch).

Time for the climax, this year I got hurt 😞 a big time, like mogyal got crushed.

Look I know you are not supposed to brag about pain, well I am not, I write as it therapeutic for me. 

I got hurt by someone whom I highly valued, that whenever people talk about her I get panic attacks. 

I have difficulty breathing or keeping calm cause my heart raise, so I believe now you get the whole reason behind the headline. 

How do you forgive someone that makes you feel all this things, this person has broken you or you have broken yourself because of them, but we have someone to point fingers at. 

Not to make ourselves feel better but to really say “hey what we did was fucked up but you fucked me up way more”.

I need help, I need to know how to forgive this person for me to really feel better cause I believe my depression has been ongoing for like five months now because I do not know how to forgive with of us. 

I have lost interest in shxt I enjoy, I rather be alone and most of the time I cry silently in my room cause one thing I also hate is being petied on so I do that shxt privately.

 If you are a broken record like what I think I am keep living no disturbing thoughts okay kid?!